Grace is one of my favorite things. [A side note is that one time I wikipedia'ed it, and the whole definition was related to the Christian God. My contemporary cultural definition is acting with poise and confidence, accepting failure with good nature, and making careful choices when integrating emotion and action.]

A while ago I applied for summer program that takes students to New Mexico and Ensenada to study border epidemiology. I didn't get accepted, and was pretty bummed.

In conversation with the woman to whom I turned in my application, I casually mentioned something about my bachelor's degree, something that happens to be uncommon for my workplace. She knew of a group here at my work where that thing is particularly relevant and sought-after, and has now introduced me to some people there. Now when I am in need of a job. Although I have nothing concrete, it is certainly a hopeful situation. This hopeful situation would never have arisen if I had not applied to the earlier program for which I was rejected. As disappointing as it was, now I see it as nothing but an enormous gift! It is such a good reminder for me to always remember to take things in strides, and wait out situations. You never know what will turn around into your favor (and vice versa... wink).

For icing on the cake, I brought this woman a small thank you gift this morning, and she was thrilled. She also told me what lovely things my hopeful future employers were saying about me.

None of this would ever have happened if I had not worked hard for something and been let down.

So are you going to be this -


or this -

The other weekend I went hiking with a friend and when we got to the waterfall, we started taking pictures, like any self-respecting girl who lives in the northwest would do. My friend climbed on a big rock, you can sort of see it in the left of the photo (and you can laugh at me and tell me it's not that big, it's all relative, right) and she wanted to take pictures there. Then she wanted me to climb on it too. I'm not so great with balance, and I had just rolled my ankle, and I was enjoying the waterfall just dandy from the little rocks closer to the ground. So I opted not go up. It turned out to be a great moment of self. In the past, I might have beat myself up for not being cool enough to climb on the big rock. Or I would have pushed myself to do it and been miserable the whole time I was up there. This time I thought, who cares! She can call me a weiner if she wants. I'm happy with the way things are, so I don't need any validation from others. And I'm even ok taking the dis.

I will note that there are times when peer pressure is good. There are definitely times when I'm wanting to climb on that rock, I just need a little support. The best thing to do is take an internal double-check and determine if you really want the thing you're going after, or if you want people to think you can handle it. The former determines the latter.

One of my friends has a blog I particularly admire because she has a theme, sticks with it, and posts on a regular basis. This situation somehow continues to elude me, even kept me from blogging for awhile because I had failed so miserably at the consistency part. Another friend told me it didn't matter at all if I had that, it was still interesting to read what was written. So, in giving this another go, I realized that although my blog is doing whatever it feels like, it's a very accurate and real representation of my life. Things change - I get busy, I get bored, my perspective changes, I'm influenced by the various people around me, I have different goals. I also realized that this is what gives it character. I was reading Shape magazine on Saturday, whom I used to respect, and saw a tidbit that suggested putting on your favorite CD when you're in a bad mood to make yourself feel better. Zzzzzzzz. Personally, I want something fresh! [Although I do like quotes and Chinese proverbs, definitely not so fresh.] I like the idea that if I write what I want, when I want, and how I want, it might be something people can really relate to. And in this media and advertising driven world, that's definitely something we could use.

Do you know why Friday the 13th is unlucky? Neither did I, until my barista decided to give me more than just a dynamite Americano. In 1307, some king in some European monarchy rounded up all the templars and killed them. Apparently they were too threatening. Lesson learned? Even kings are cowards when they feel threatened. Remember that you're better than that.

On the eve of being laid off, something I thought would never happen to me, after all the elbow grease I put into getting mostly A's in college, I'd like to talk about loss. Not the kind where you lose a parent and nothing can replace what you had, but the kind where things have changed and it looks like it's going to take a miracle to get them back to where they were. This is brought to light today because as I went the various stages of feeling pretty rotten, and then not-so-rotten, I realized how I really felt.

I've had two relationships as an adult, and irrelevant of the fact that they were both on completely different levels in almost every respect, the break-ups triggered drastically different types of sadness for me. The first relationship was great while it lasted. But whenever I looked ahead at myself at 30, 40, etc., with this person, the image just got all jumbled and watercolor-like. I always knew it wouldn't get that far, so I also knew the break-up was inevitable. When it ended, it was deeply saddening because I enjoyed spending time with this person, I considered this person a good friend, and I was sad to think all the good times were going to be just memories, instead of memories-in-the-making also. Additionally, I was scared of the unknown. What comes next? Being alone after being in a relationship is miserable (being alone after months of being alone, well, that just becomes life). As sad I was, I knew I would eventually be happier elsewhere. The second break-up was totally different. There are still the same feelings of sadness over not getting to make new memories and being afraid of the next step, but there is also that overwhelming urge to cling to every last chance because this was a shoe that fits. And I've got some pretty weird feet, so when it fits, it feels oh-so-good. It feels impossible to give up on, and even the memory of what you had is so much sweeter than anything new and right in front of you.

The point is, losing something sucks. No way around that. However, if you can suss out exactly what is going on, you can handle it with the grace and maturity of someone too good to have that thing anyway (FTR: this is not me). So when I was let go today, I was pretty upset at first. I'm supposed to be moving soon, I have mountains of debt, I was planning on going back to school, NOW WHAT? Then as the minutes ticked, and the world was clearly not going to stop spinning just because I needed a break, I remembered I didn't actually like the work I did. I was never proud of my job. I will always be proud of where I work, who I work with, what we're working on - but as for the stuff I show up to do every day, I'm going to give it a big fat sayonara in September and welcome the next guest in.

[Note: Because I both need a job and like to defend my own self-worth, here are the facts about the lay-off: Our study budge was reduced by 50% per NIH. My unit let go of five people over the last few months before me, so when all is said and done, that's quite a compliment. There are only five people left in my unit, so they meant business when they decided to trim the fat.]

Fremont is NOT the Center of the Universe

This morning I was listening to the radio - I'd prefer not to name the DJ because I'm totally against burning bridges, but it was middle-of-the-road in terms of depth - and it was proposed that the Royal Honeymooner's might be in Jordan.

"You might not think of Jordan as being a honeymoon spot, but there's some really cool things out there in the middle of nowhere."

"They have this place, I think it's called Petra, it's like giant buildings carved out of rocks. I heard it's really cool."

"If he's taking his new bride to an archaeological dig, that won't bode well for the marriage."

Text from a caller: "If you want to get raped by a Muslim" [This quote I forget exactly, but raped and Muslim were definitely part of it.]



DID YOU KNOW...

Petra is one of the seven wonders of the world.

Indiana Jones was filmed there.

Jordan is not a violent country, in fact, it's very safe (Just like anywhere, there are good parts and bad parts. I wouldn't walk alone outside of my own house when it's dark, and you shouldn't do that in Jordan either).

The Queen of Jordan, Queen Rania, is so hot she'll knock your socks off. Oh yeah, she loves kids and philanthropy too.

There are a number of high-end spa resorts on the Dead Sea, where you can swim and float because of its salt content.

Sometimes it's important to remember that there are a lot of special, important things going on outside of your world. Just the same as its preposterous to think our neighbs in Fremont are the center of the universe, it's preposterous to think that your values and beliefs are all there is. Take some time, ask some questions, and maybe you'll meet Indiana Jones and a superhot Queen. And maybe you'll like them too.

Blog Roll

I'm a huge fan of talking. In fact, I think it might be my favorite hobby. So no wonder I enjoy writing on the internet! My listeners let me go on for as long as I'd like! Vonderful. Today, though, I can proudly say I took the time to read my friends' blogs before I opened my own big mouth. Progress in listening, people! Being a better listener is the unattainable quality I always seek for myself, and every day I experience triumphs and failures. It just might be my seventh horcrux. I would like to share with you the many wonderful people I listen to on the internet - these are all people I can vouch for in real life, you know, that thing you occasionally have time for.

Simply.Real.Food headed up by nutritionist and fellow Kappa, Sarah. Blackberry lime margaritas? Does life get better than that? My 25 years says no it doesn't.

at the end of the day... Kelsey's blog is hilarious, witty, and your best friend. Yup, screw real life, you can get all your companionship right here.

The Hot and Healthy MacKenzie will inspire you to be a better person. Sure, you're good enough the way you are, keep telling yourself that...

These are the ones with the medals, will let you know of anyone else receiving Honorable Mentions in the future. Actually, that's not true. I've read a lot of amazing blogs and they all deserve golds, it just depends on what I'm looking for at any given moment.

Let's also discuss the new title of the blog. This was something one of my yoga teachers said once, so I suppose I should give her credit, but I prefer to leave it as an anonymous gift from the yoga community. All of you out there without a zen bone in your body, shut your mouth for a minute and just listen. There are an amazing amount of metaphors in yoga that can be applied to the rest of your life. This quote and another good one, "find somewhere to let go," (used when you're trying with all your might to hold some difficult pose and your whole face has contorted to show misery, when you actually chose to come to class) are particularly symbolic to me because they are great reminders that you can't take everything seriously all the time. Sometimes you just gotta say screw it and move on. I'm not saying you walk around without trying to build on the things you've been working on. You won't be able to do that even if you tried, because everything you do contributes to the foundation that makes you who you are. The point is to walk around with a fresh face and an open mind and heart and see what you can let in when you're open. If you're carrying around all the mistakes from your past, you're not being open. So forget them, let go, and find something mumtaz.

We're going to get this going again, with a little bit of the old and a little bit of the new. Kind of like everything in life, right. Lots of things change and lots of things stay the same and you're never quite sure which ones are going where. My first idea of how to get my blog going again was to write about why I live in this magical city when 2011 has brought us a total of 4 sunny days (that would be a .03%, folks. Just in case you're denial of how frosty this year has been). A tried and true topic, but everyone's perspective is different. We're all mostly Seattle at heart, with a little bit of another city mixed in there too.

However, today I was struck by an experience. I don't have a lot to do at work right now, so I spend a greater-than-normal amount of time on the internet. Of course the day starts with the standards Gmail and Facebook (it takes about 4 weeks for withdrawals to subside, that was one thing I learned in China). Today I was also interested in how to unlock more badges on Foursquare. On Mother's Day, my family teased me about so voluntarily giving up my privacy...but on top of a full-time job, an online psychology class, and as much yoga and gym as my body can handle, I still have free time somehow. So Foursquare here I am. And I've always been the type of person who believes if you're going to do it, do it right. So badges, dammit, how do I get you! Ok after I read up on that I went to read Facebook. THREE of my college friends are newly engaged, all announced on the same day (although I fully expect a lot of my friends to be looking at engagement photos instead of reading my blog). Meanwhile I wanted to know what I had to do to unlock the Swimmies badge on Foursquare. Let me tell you, I have never felt more important or significant in my life. I will forever remember the moment I get that Swimmies badge. There will be champagne, and friends, and kisses, and cheering. No, no there won't.

But you know what, although I felt like a boring bump on a log today, it really brought to light how lucky I am that the biggest worry of mine this morning was the silly Foursquare badge. Sheesh, if that's all I have on my mind, things can't be half bad! Foursquare may be silly, but I chose to be interested in it. I could have decided to focus on any number of "more important" things. I could have made a personal budget. I could have been reading the New York Times. I could have been organizing a charity. Sometimes I prefer to act my age.

FTR: I have noticed that when I'm having the most fun I forget to use Foursquare. Ironic, no?