On the eve of being laid off, something I thought would never happen to me, after all the elbow grease I put into getting mostly A's in college, I'd like to talk about loss. Not the kind where you lose a parent and nothing can replace what you had, but the kind where things have changed and it looks like it's going to take a miracle to get them back to where they were. This is brought to light today because as I went the various stages of feeling pretty rotten, and then not-so-rotten, I realized how I really felt.

I've had two relationships as an adult, and irrelevant of the fact that they were both on completely different levels in almost every respect, the break-ups triggered drastically different types of sadness for me. The first relationship was great while it lasted. But whenever I looked ahead at myself at 30, 40, etc., with this person, the image just got all jumbled and watercolor-like. I always knew it wouldn't get that far, so I also knew the break-up was inevitable. When it ended, it was deeply saddening because I enjoyed spending time with this person, I considered this person a good friend, and I was sad to think all the good times were going to be just memories, instead of memories-in-the-making also. Additionally, I was scared of the unknown. What comes next? Being alone after being in a relationship is miserable (being alone after months of being alone, well, that just becomes life). As sad I was, I knew I would eventually be happier elsewhere. The second break-up was totally different. There are still the same feelings of sadness over not getting to make new memories and being afraid of the next step, but there is also that overwhelming urge to cling to every last chance because this was a shoe that fits. And I've got some pretty weird feet, so when it fits, it feels oh-so-good. It feels impossible to give up on, and even the memory of what you had is so much sweeter than anything new and right in front of you.

The point is, losing something sucks. No way around that. However, if you can suss out exactly what is going on, you can handle it with the grace and maturity of someone too good to have that thing anyway (FTR: this is not me). So when I was let go today, I was pretty upset at first. I'm supposed to be moving soon, I have mountains of debt, I was planning on going back to school, NOW WHAT? Then as the minutes ticked, and the world was clearly not going to stop spinning just because I needed a break, I remembered I didn't actually like the work I did. I was never proud of my job. I will always be proud of where I work, who I work with, what we're working on - but as for the stuff I show up to do every day, I'm going to give it a big fat sayonara in September and welcome the next guest in.

[Note: Because I both need a job and like to defend my own self-worth, here are the facts about the lay-off: Our study budge was reduced by 50% per NIH. My unit let go of five people over the last few months before me, so when all is said and done, that's quite a compliment. There are only five people left in my unit, so they meant business when they decided to trim the fat.]